Who Am I

I often think about this and wonder who I am. What do I stand for, what do I do, where did I come from and ultimately what do I want.

I grew up in a small Utah town called Orangeville. I love Orangeville. It is small and at the base of the mountains in central Utah. I love it here. The smell of the Russian Olives brings me back to my childhood and playing softball/baseball in the park by the river. The hours of softball practice I had on that field. The warm summer nights and the cold winters. The hours that I spent with my cousins playing with our barbies and dolls in my grandparents back yard during the summer was amazing. I have wonderful memories of my cousins and family. Visiting my grandma and grandpa on Sunday afternoons and having the whole family end up there within a few hours. It was pure heaven.

I graduated from High School and moved to Salt Lake, aka the big city. I attended LDS Business College and received my associates degree. Shortly after graduation I got a job working for Salt Lake School District in the Shops department where I met my future husband, Josh.

Josh and I got married on February 27, 1999 in Orangeville. We lived in Salt Lake and both of us worked at the school district. I soon left and went to work for my friend Natalie at Home Option Senior Care where I had worked while I was attending school. It was just me, Natalie and her husband Henry who ran this small Home Health company. I loved it. Josh was then hired to work at Educators Mutual Insurance Company. This gave him a pay raise and it also gave us insurance. I soon became pregnant and we had our daughter, Alexis Maree, on April 20, 2000. Josh adored her and she was for sure a daddy's girl. She had him wrapped around her finger.

We bought some land and built a house in Saratoga Springs when Lexi was 1. We were thriving and doing well. Josh was working at Educators Mutual still and I actually was babysitting at home and working nights at Directv. I would work from 6 pm to 2 am and then come home and start watching kids around 7 in the morning. Looking back I don't know how I did it, but I did. This will be a common thing through out my adult life.

When Lexi was 4 we got pregnant with our son, Joshua Kayden. He was born on October 13, 2004. Shortly after he was born we found out that he had Hypoplastic Kidney disease, Chronic Kidney Failure, and would need a transplant. His kidney's stopped growing in utero, probably around 20 weeks gestation which is about the time that you have your routine ultrasound. Because everything looked normal at that time there was no need for further follow up. It was around that time that they stopped growing. No one knew until after he was born. He was admitted to American Fork Hospital when he was 3 weeks old for Failure to Thrive. They discovered his kidney issue at that time. A simple blood draw was what started the discovery.

We moved to Orangeville shortly after Kayden was born because he required a lot of care that I was not able to handle on my own and Josh needed to find a job that would pay more. When Kayden was 2 years old we had our third son, Koy Nichols on October 10, 2000. Almost exactly 2 years between these two little boys.

As I think about thins in my life there are so many stuff that come up that I want to talk about and they need a separate entry..... As time goes on we moved back up to Salt Lake and on November 2013 we were officially divorced. During that 14 years of marriage we had 3 children, one child was diagnosed with a major medical issue that he would live with for the rest of his life. Josh was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder, had multiple suicide attempts along with multiple admissions into a mental health facility, a 3 month prison stay and a 6 month jail stay, multiple manic episodes that I will discuss in different posts, and drug problems.

This is me.... this is a story of what I have gone through and how I have made it through. I still have a long ways to go and there was a lot of mental, verbal and emotional abuse that I endured that many people do not know happened. I want others to see that I know and understand what they are going through. When I say I understand.... I TRULY understand.

I know that there is a reason I have struggled. I know that there is someone out there for me who will love me for me....even with all my baggage. My experience is what has made me who I am today and I am thankful for it. I wouldn't change it. It brought me to this point. I am not a victim of anything and I do not like to be treated as such. I don't tell these things for sympathy, but for understanding that I know how hard things are. I need take those experiences and make sure that I become the best version of me that I can become. I am not perfect and have a lot to work on, but I will work on it every single day. I will better myself to be the best person I can be for my kids and future husband.

I am the type of person that likes to read the end of the book while I am in the middle of the book because I can't wait.... Unfortunately I don't have that luxury in my own life because I want to know how things end! I want to know who I am going to be with and I want to know how happy I will be so I have something to look forward to. Until then I will tell my story. Because I think my story needs to be told. My ex husband didn't want me to tell my story. He didn't want people to know what was going on. He didn't want things to be exposed and make him look bad. Well, I am not married to him anymore. (thank heavens) I want people to hear about my experience and what I went through. If it makes him look bad, sorry not sorry. I lived it and suffered through it and have turned things around to where I am today.

So enjoy the journey of me discovering who I am through past, present and future experiences. This is me.....