The Decision

I had married the guy that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. We had been sealed in the temple and getting a divorce is just not suppose to happen. Getting a divorce meant that I failed. I couldn't even stay married. There must be something wrong with me. I wasn't enough for him. I couldn't do things right. I couldn't make him happy. What did I do wrong. What could I have changed.

I remember exactly where I was when I felt the confirmation and peace that I needed to leave. That my marriage was over. I remember how I felt. I was scared, but yet it was a different scared than I was use to. I was scared because I knew I was making a decision that was hard, but necessary in order for me to be the person I knew I could be. I knew I was making a decision that would make me a better mom. I knew I was making a decision that would be changing the entire outlook on my life. I knew I was making a decision that was admitting I failed..... but did I? Did I really fail? or was staying in a relationship that I shouldn't failing?



I don't remember exactly the day, but I had decided to go to the Temple. I had some things that I needed to have clarity on and I decided to go to the Temple. I was sitting in the celestial room of the Jordan River Temple. I got this overwhelming sense of peace. I had been wondering if I should stay or if things were just too far for me to repair. Were things going to change and what did I need to do to help things change if that was the case. A feeling came over me that said you know things aren't going to change. You can do this and you will be ok. I will be with you by your side. I knew what I needed to do. It is hard to explain exactly what the thoughts were in my head but I do remember exactly how I felt and what it was in regards to.

I had uneasy feelings about my husband smoking pot and at the time he was smoking spice also. He wanted me to just accept it. That it was his way of self medicating and it was how he was able to function. That was just one of the issues I was having.

He was playing a lot of video games and wasn't present with us as a family. He didn't want to hold down a job and half of our marriage was spent with him not working. He was calling me names and saying things to me that were very degrading and belittling. I remember many times wishing he would just him me and leave a mark on me because marks and bruises would disappear and get better, but the words that he spewed at me were hard to forget.

I know I had my faults. I wasn't perfect in my marriage. I could have been a better housekeeper. I could have paid more attention to details and to my husband. I did nag a lot. I did push the limit too far. So I know I had things that I needed to change and so many that I still need to change about myself. Good heavens that is probably why I am still single!

I met with an attorney and knew what I needed to do and wanted to do, but I didn't have the money to file at the time. I did decide that I needed him to leave and move out of the house. October 10, 2012. That was Koy's 6th birthday and also the day I told him to leave and that I couldn't keep going on. He needed to choose between me and the kids and his habits. That was hard! but so relieving. He left. He made his decision.

The next few days and weeks and months were filled with SO MANY MIXED EMOTIONS. One day I was so sad, another minute I was happy, another minute so angry, another day I was ready to just have him move back in. Some days he was so nice and willing to help and then other days he was so mean and cruel. Some days he would bring me flowers at work and want to take me to lunch and then other days I was the scum of the earth again. The roller coaster was awful.

I didn't know how I would pay the rent and so many other things, but I had a wonderful bishop who helped me out so much. When I met with him and told him I had made a decision, he gently reminded me that he would support me in whatever I was doing and he would help with whatever was needed. He asked me to bring him some of my bills and he would take care of them for me. He said that he never wants to see a family break up and he wanted to make sure that this is what was truly right. We had a member of our ward that was a family therapist (and I so wish I could remember his name because he truly was a wonderful man and I loved listening to him in Sunday School and in his advise he gave me) and the bishop offered to pay for therapy sessions to help and see if there was anything that could be worked out. I truly gave it a try. We scheduled them and we had a total of 3 sessions where we basically talked about all the issues he had with me and what I had done wrong and things I needed to work on. The fourth session was scheduled and I showed up prepared to talk about things that I was needing from my husband. I waited and I waited and I waited and he never showed up. That was April 15, 2013. It was at that time that I knew that my decision was the right decision and I never turned back.

The next few months were filled with even more ups and downs, but I never changed my mind or
even thought about not going through with the divorce any more. I was so focused on making sure that he didn't manipulate me. I remember so many times him trying to convince me that things would be different, and all I did was stand there and nod my head and think to myself that nothing was going to change. I had to learn to not show any emotion. I had to stand there with my arms folded and not feel anything, then the moment he walked out the door I would collapse and cry from emotions and exhaustion. Mental and emotional exhaustion. It isn't easy to show no emotions when you are an emotional person. It is HARD!!!!! But I couldn't show any vulnerability around him or else he would pounce on it.

I managed to get through some of the hardest months of my life. There were days I couldn't eat or sleep and then there were days all I wanted to do was sleep. There were days that getting out of bed was such a struggle. I didn't want to have to face the day because I was scared of what the day would bring. I didn't want to hear the name calling from him. I didn't want to have to try and console my kids. I couldn't even take care of myself how could I take care of my kids? I didn't want to have to figure out what to make for dinner. I don't know how many times I came home and my stupid dog had eaten the food off the counter. One time she ate the stick of butter and the rotisserie chicken that was sitting on the counter! I would have to remind myself how to just function every day. How to do mom things and get groceries and feed my kids and clean the house.

It wasn't easy, but I made it! That first year was hard, but I made it. I made it through something that I thought was never going to end.

Who Am I

I often think about this and wonder who I am. What do I stand for, what do I do, where did I come from and ultimately what do I want.

I grew up in a small Utah town called Orangeville. I love Orangeville. It is small and at the base of the mountains in central Utah. I love it here. The smell of the Russian Olives brings me back to my childhood and playing softball/baseball in the park by the river. The hours of softball practice I had on that field. The warm summer nights and the cold winters. The hours that I spent with my cousins playing with our barbies and dolls in my grandparents back yard during the summer was amazing. I have wonderful memories of my cousins and family. Visiting my grandma and grandpa on Sunday afternoons and having the whole family end up there within a few hours. It was pure heaven.

I graduated from High School and moved to Salt Lake, aka the big city. I attended LDS Business College and received my associates degree. Shortly after graduation I got a job working for Salt Lake School District in the Shops department where I met my future husband, Josh.

Josh and I got married on February 27, 1999 in Orangeville. We lived in Salt Lake and both of us worked at the school district. I soon left and went to work for my friend Natalie at Home Option Senior Care where I had worked while I was attending school. It was just me, Natalie and her husband Henry who ran this small Home Health company. I loved it. Josh was then hired to work at Educators Mutual Insurance Company. This gave him a pay raise and it also gave us insurance. I soon became pregnant and we had our daughter, Alexis Maree, on April 20, 2000. Josh adored her and she was for sure a daddy's girl. She had him wrapped around her finger.

We bought some land and built a house in Saratoga Springs when Lexi was 1. We were thriving and doing well. Josh was working at Educators Mutual still and I actually was babysitting at home and working nights at Directv. I would work from 6 pm to 2 am and then come home and start watching kids around 7 in the morning. Looking back I don't know how I did it, but I did. This will be a common thing through out my adult life.

When Lexi was 4 we got pregnant with our son, Joshua Kayden. He was born on October 13, 2004. Shortly after he was born we found out that he had Hypoplastic Kidney disease, Chronic Kidney Failure, and would need a transplant. His kidney's stopped growing in utero, probably around 20 weeks gestation which is about the time that you have your routine ultrasound. Because everything looked normal at that time there was no need for further follow up. It was around that time that they stopped growing. No one knew until after he was born. He was admitted to American Fork Hospital when he was 3 weeks old for Failure to Thrive. They discovered his kidney issue at that time. A simple blood draw was what started the discovery.

We moved to Orangeville shortly after Kayden was born because he required a lot of care that I was not able to handle on my own and Josh needed to find a job that would pay more. When Kayden was 2 years old we had our third son, Koy Nichols on October 10, 2000. Almost exactly 2 years between these two little boys.

As I think about thins in my life there are so many stuff that come up that I want to talk about and they need a separate entry..... As time goes on we moved back up to Salt Lake and on November 2013 we were officially divorced. During that 14 years of marriage we had 3 children, one child was diagnosed with a major medical issue that he would live with for the rest of his life. Josh was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder, had multiple suicide attempts along with multiple admissions into a mental health facility, a 3 month prison stay and a 6 month jail stay, multiple manic episodes that I will discuss in different posts, and drug problems.

This is me.... this is a story of what I have gone through and how I have made it through. I still have a long ways to go and there was a lot of mental, verbal and emotional abuse that I endured that many people do not know happened. I want others to see that I know and understand what they are going through. When I say I understand.... I TRULY understand.

I know that there is a reason I have struggled. I know that there is someone out there for me who will love me for me....even with all my baggage. My experience is what has made me who I am today and I am thankful for it. I wouldn't change it. It brought me to this point. I am not a victim of anything and I do not like to be treated as such. I don't tell these things for sympathy, but for understanding that I know how hard things are. I need take those experiences and make sure that I become the best version of me that I can become. I am not perfect and have a lot to work on, but I will work on it every single day. I will better myself to be the best person I can be for my kids and future husband.

I am the type of person that likes to read the end of the book while I am in the middle of the book because I can't wait.... Unfortunately I don't have that luxury in my own life because I want to know how things end! I want to know who I am going to be with and I want to know how happy I will be so I have something to look forward to. Until then I will tell my story. Because I think my story needs to be told. My ex husband didn't want me to tell my story. He didn't want people to know what was going on. He didn't want things to be exposed and make him look bad. Well, I am not married to him anymore. (thank heavens) I want people to hear about my experience and what I went through. If it makes him look bad, sorry not sorry. I lived it and suffered through it and have turned things around to where I am today.

So enjoy the journey of me discovering who I am through past, present and future experiences. This is me.....